It is a new year. 2011. In four short months I will be ending my time as an undergraduate at The University of Rhode Island. As one of my New Year's resolutions, I want to document my last semester of college, as it will be my last group of memories before I am forced to embrace my inevitable adulthood, and delve, a "grown woman", into the real world.
I don't know if this blog is a good idea or not. I hope that by writing into this cyber void, I will be helping myself figure out where I go from here. My life is going to change after May, some of it will be new and exciting, and some of it will REALLY suck. I just want to be ready. A big part of me knows that in life, we are never truly "ready" for any kind of change. We have to "go with the flow". You'll realize that I'm not a go-with-the-flow kind of girl. In fact, in most areas of my life I'm nervous, anxious, and slightly unhinged. I strive for absolute perfection, and when the thought of failure isn't enough to motivate me, I turn to guilt. Unhealthy, I know. Don't let that deter you, though. I'm just trying to live up to my potential.. and I haven't quite figure out how to do that without driving myself nuts, hopefully writing everything out will help me with that.
I do everything with only the best of intentions. I love people, cuddling, baby animals, bad scary movies, shopping sprees, and a stiff drink...or two (three). I like feeling needed. I don't know many things for sure, but I do know that I will never be happy if I'm not helping someone. I don't know why that is.. but maybe it's because I know what it feels like to need the ear of another, to crave a connection with someone outside of myself- I think we all do.
I will be writing on here everyday... hopefully you'll read along.
It's snowing out, and I haven't left my house in 2 days... I hate winter break. Getting up and motivated is so hard when you have NOTHING to do. I LOVE being busy.. as sick as it sounds, I am most happy when my day is so packed, I barely have time to eat. I'm so much more efficient when I don't have time for mistakes.
I'm taking the GRE in exactly a week and I've been "studying" (aka: opening the book, reading, highlighting, getting distracted, closing the book, forcing myself to open the book again, feeling like an idiot, closing the book, watching tv and staring at the book with absolute contempt). I hate standardized tests. I'm not THAT brand of smart. I'm people smart, and I'm motivated. That's why I get A's and take honors classes... not because I'm GRE smart. I feel like I've been pretending to be one of the "smart people" all this time without being found out and the GRE is going to absolutely blow my cover...but this is all my own choice. I wasn't going to apply to any programs that needed GRE scores until I got in in my head that I just HAD to apply to the 3 George's. George Mason, George Washington, and Georgetown. Ugh. The secretary at the Georgetown office of admissions even sounded intimidating... I don't know what I was thinking. I kind of want to back out, because it's so much work to apply and I don't think I can afford to live anywhere else but home/close to home (in NY) at least for a few years (student loans out the bootay), but I wont back out. Because that wouldn't be "me"... plus I already laid out 160 bucks for the exam. I'm completely stressed out. After next Saturday, I'm burning this damn book.
I think I'm going to start recording my dreams too. Because they are getting pretty interesting. Last night, I dreamed that I got a french bulldog puppy who I named Beansy. Beansy never barked, ate cereal, and continuously pooped under my bed. I also got lost in a office building elevator, with random people I haven't seen in years. The night before that I was chased by an alligator, that nobody else around me seemed too concerned about, while driving a silver SUV. I wonder what tonight will have in store for me!!